Always a Maybe, Never a Must.

I wish you all the best this world can give: I do. 

What never was, what could have been, was more to me than anything else. I asked for love, and you answered. What I didn’t know, was the love I really needed- the love I should’ve been hoping against hope for- was for myself. 

Hearts don’t have locks; they are open to those unable to understand the depth to which you love, the profoundness of your soul. 

Like always, my dreams of you are peripheral: an overheard conversation mentioning your name. My mind’s eye was telling me you were there, right next to me: holding your hand out radiating heat, ready for my heart. But how I form mental images never seemed to compliment our life-sorry: my life- you always did see our love for what it was: futile and vain. 

I knew it was time to let go: how could I deny it? Your eyes didn’t meet mine anymore and, while your hand intertwined with mine, you were still light-years away. We were a maybe, never a must. 

You didn’t let your heart settle in a cage, willing to wear it on your sleeve for everyone to see it wasn’t anyone’s but yours; yet, I believed (hoped) at least a piece would bear my name. 

Hoping against hope, I wanted you to disagree. To call me back and tell me you would fight to feel my heart in your hands, radiating heat, once again. Plead with me, say anything: just fight for me-for us.  

You didn’t, so neither did I. 

I don’t know if I could call what we had love; maybe infatuation is a better word. I never felt a certainty between us, always a guessing game for who needed more, who was willing to give more. We lost ourselves being unable to draw a boundary between who we were and what we wanted to be for each other. 

We were senselessly covering our imperfections in sugar-coated dreams of what we thought love was supposed to be- supposed to look like. Maybe it wasn’t our time: we were too young, too immature to allow ourselves to be fully vulnerable. We were always a maybe, never a must: maybe one day, that will change. For this (for now), I forgive you: I hope (against hope) you forgive me.


Minds EyeA reference made to the concept of being able to conceive imaginarily or recollect senses through your “mind’s eye”. This concept was used in this piece to display the strong desire of one to feel love (or passion, desire, infatuation- however it is interpreted) and being unable to distinguish or draw boundaries between the imaginary love and real love.


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3 thoughts on “Always a Maybe, Never a Must.

  1. Dear Alyna,
    This is a very, very beautiful piece; I see people taking a lot of inspiration from it. I absolutely adored how you connected the word hope in this piece. I also loved the lines: “we were maybe, never a must,” and “hearts don’t have locks; they are open to hose unable to understand the depth to which you love, the profoundness of your heart.” I found myself connecting to those lines and being able to see myself and my experiences within them.
    For constructive criticism, I only found that the line: “the love I should’ve been hoping against hope for,” didn’t fully make sense to me. It may be because I am slow today, but I found myself re-reading this line multiple times without understanding.
    Thank you for your work, it is absolutely wonderful.
    Sincerely,
    Tina

  2. Dear Alyna,
    This is the first piece of yours that I have read, and I am in awe of your abilities. The way you conveyed a love story so directly and authentically, while still keeping a lyrical flow in your words was very well executed and satisfying to read. I love the phrase, “always a maybe, never a must” because it shows the uncertainty of the relationship and the yearning to make it something concrete at worthwhile. Your words are not only meaningful but hold true to real life as well.
    One thing that I feel like you can work on is weaving the idea of the locks into the piece with a little more emphasis. You mentioned it in the beginning, and I feel that adding some closure by ending with the same symbol will increase the depth to this already well-developed story.
    It has been a great semester with you, and I wish you luck in university!
    Nazeefa

  3. Dear Alyna,

    Although I haven’t really gotten to get to know you personally, just from your post alone I can feel the sentiments you expressed. This free choice was the embodiment of what it is to be a romantic, which is always an interesting topic to write about. The depth of this infatuation is pretty remarkable, and I love the great imagery and detail you used to express these themes. What I really liked is how you started off by saying how you wish this person the very best despite all that happened and how you forgive them. It really lightens the tone of this piece.

    For improvements, I would try focusing on making some parts of your writing a bit more clear as although I enjoyed this very much, there were a few loose strands near the beginning. Maybe that is just my exhausted brain at 2am, but hey, you can make the call.

    All in all, I hope you have an amazing rest of the year and that you find what makes you happy after high school and pursue it.

    Sincerely,
    Abhay

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