i miss you.

 

there are ways of understanding people that do not require words. she said, if you looked close enough you could see a lot of life and a little bit of death burning through their eyes. and sometimes, it says more than we could ever explain or imagine about ourselves.

 

you never let me down. every birthday, every halloween, every weekend, you were there. you became my best friend, i never really found comfort in friends- not that i needed to- i had you.

 

your heart seemed to be the best part, it would always calm the storm for those who were afraid of a little rain.

 

i could reminisce about the days spent in my backyard, thinking the plastic pool you brought over was the biggest pool in the world, thinking while i was on your shoulders, i was safe from all the pain and misfortune this world had to offer. you took all the bullets, how did i not know it would wear you down eventually?

 

and there were always those nights where she preferred the rain over people. because the rain would remind her of how she should feel and people would remind her of the things she always wanted to forget.

 

i couldn’t pinpoint the moment i lost you. maybe it started when you stopped coming over on saturday nights, maybe it was when mom was afraid to let you drive me home after a family dinner. the bullets wore you down eventually, and you turned to potions and pills to heal the wounds- how could i compete?

 

she could not make sense of the things that were meant for her, but she was drawn to it all. and when she was alone, she felt like the moon: terrified of the sky, but completely in love with the way it held the stars.

 

i felt you shaking, and i saw the pain in your eyes. i saw the loneliness that echoed your every move and the need to just feel something other than the dull ache outlining your every move. i just wanted to help, but how could i withstand the battle these pills were about to declare on your life?

 

she was broken from moment to moment. watching her world collide, she felt lost inside herself. she fell apart for a passion that flamed beneath her. she waited and died a hundred times, it dripped from her pores. the moment she let go, she soared over stillness like the star she was born to be.

 

life isn’t fair, and i know this. but what i fail to logically understand is how a person can fight with every ounce of their being, continue trying to win this battle even when life seems to have stronger bullets each time, pushing to survive even if only a trace of them survives, and still lose. still, be a victim to the pills and the potions that stole their light away. still, steal the moments that gave a sense of hope. i never blamed you for leaving, i never blamed you for not being in my life. i never blamed you.

i was, and will forever be, in awe of you. i no longer have the chance to tell you this, but there was never a moment where i doubted your courage, your resilience and most of all, your love. you continued to embody the image of love, hope and strength, and never once have i doubted your passion to keep fighting, keep pushing through whatever life put in your path.

 

and all i wish is one more backyard pool party. one more birthday spent with you. one more day to ask you to keep fighting. one more day to hug you tight enough to stop the shaking. one more halloween night, spent trick or treating even if we are both too old. one more drive listening to music i will always pretend to hate, even if the song i rolled my eyes at, is the only one i’ve played since you’ve left me. just one more night to have you next to me again, long enough for me to tell you i loved you no matter what.

just one more night.

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authors note:

this was an especially difficult piece for me to write. more than anything, this piece was used as a way to understand how i was feeling about my aunt’s very sudden & recent death, caused by an overdose. she struggled through addiction for the majority of her life but remained able to be a grounding & beautiful presence for me. writing this piece allowed me to feel everything i had been holding in & give myself a sense of closure. she fought a strong and difficult battle, and will forever remain a picture of courage in my mind. thank you for being my guardian angel and my shield through life. i will miss you forever.