reclaiming my identity as an individual.

growth. love. patience.

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To my Grade 10 Self, 

You constructed a wall, thinking it was the only thing that would keep you safe, protecting you from everything you were living in fear of. You lost yourself amidst the construction, between the cracks that let out traces of yourself, and the storms that demolished any progress you made. Days were spent running from all that haunted you, succumbing to the dark that hurt you unbearably. You forgot what the phrase “You are Beautiful” meant, seeing beauty in everything but yourself. 

 

You couldn’t comprehend the concept that you deserved more than the base level plan of life; but how could you, surrounded by people determined to pull you down, held in place by your subconscious, telling you, no matter what, no matter how hard you try, you would never be even close to as perfect as them. It was wrong. They were wrong. You were wrong. 

 

I want to tell you: I forgive you for it all. For all the self-hate, the disbelief in anything that challenged our comfort zone, the pain you inflicted upon us. You are worthy. It’s hard to recognize- but one day soon, you’re going to look in the mirror and feel nothing but love and gratitude for who you’ve become and the challenges you’ve overcome. I know you feel alone, as if the world is in constant motion, in directions, you can’t follow. But it’s all going to work out, just hold on. Keep that smile on your face; it’s going to be your armour.

 

Everything happening now will lead you to a place of pure serenity, pure joy. Surrounded by people whose intentions you never have to question. Wrapped up in the hope and delirium of what is to come. Coated in shades of self-love and happiness- genuine happiness. 

 

I want you to love yourself as if it’s the only thing left to do: you deserve just as much happiness as you give to others. Learn to move on, but not just from the people who have hurt you, from anything that caused you to question your worth. Never let the disappointments in people and in life itself change your heart- do good and good will come to you. Allow yourself to accept growth with open arms- it will be for the best. 

 

Lastly and most importantly, I want you to trust yourself. Trust that whatever decisions you make will lead you to your destined spot. Trust your strength- you might question it at times ahead, but I know you will make it through whatever storms life has in store. You are ready for the next few chapters of your life, even if you don’t believe it. Love yourself, but most importantly, love those around you. 

Love, Your Current Self.

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I wanted my last about me to have a focus on the growth I have gone through over the past 3 years, especially in creative writing. The change from grade 10 to grade 12, not only through my writing but in all aspects of my life, has been enormous. Through the letter to my past self, I was able to reflect back on who I was and who I have become now; a way to step back and see clearly the growth I have gone through.

I used to believe that change was something to be afraid of, something you didn’t want. Growth and change will lead you to become a person you believe in- open doors for you that you never even considered unlocking. During the summer, I was determined to become the person that I felt nothing but love and gratitude for. Through spending my time working on loving myself, doing good through volunteering and work, making lifestyle changes that allowed me to unlock, open and enter a door leading to what seems like paradise, I was able to find that self-love and gratitude.

I believe I have finally understood who I am- in all aspects of my life, allowing me to truly become someone I believe in, someone I am proud of. I hope this will show through my writing as the year goes on.

---

In the hopes of allowing you to see me perfectly clear, here is a short updated anthology of me. new and improved. 

 

When you ask me what I’d wish for,

I will simply say

“Never allow any soul

to clip your wings.”

You were not born an ember-

You were born a flame.

Let it burn,

unapologetically.

 

*Inspired by poems written by Aija Mayrock, a poet and activist. 

 

It was hard coming to terms with the fact that I didn’t believe in who I was. I didn’t find myself having any confidence in my voice, which was obvious through my writing. However, being able to see the need for change, made me more open to growth, which could be said was the best decision I have made to this day. To this day, I am grateful for who I was- they taught me how beautiful it really was to love every single part of myself. To this day, I will remain grateful for who I am and who I become- I will learn lessons about my world and most of all, myself. I will continue to grow and continue to understand that staying dormant is possibly worse than being addled.

 

looking:

I find happiness in feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin.

I find comfort in the arms of loved ones; the safest place on earth.

I find laughter in calls with my brother; 12 minutes of missing him a little less.

I find love in time spent with friends; us against the world.

I find myself smiling when I can see the effect of helping someone around me.

I find peace in hearing nothing but my music on bus rides home; watching the world around me flash by unapologetically.

 

you find happiness if you look for it.

do good, and good will come to you.

believe you are worth it, and you will be shown you are.

love yourself, and love will find you.

---

 

thank you for continuing this journey of eternal growth with me.

 

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